Mmm..

WARNING: EMO BEYOND BELIEF

Even though I know what it is,
that it means almost nothing to you. I still wished that you understood how I felt. Even though I may just be another one of your girls, or just another face in a sea of faces, or just another "friend" to hang around with, I still get hurt.

Jealousy is a painful emotion and jealousy can lead to anger or depression. It's a feeling like someone ripped you up and threw you onto the concrete floor.
When you ask me if I am jealous, I am jealous. I just don't want to say anything so that you won't have the satisfaction of me playing your sick, twisted game.

Stop it.

I'm sick of it. Sick of the fact that you're closer to the girls your more physically attracted to, than emotionally. The fact that just because you made out with them, touched them, do whatever with them that you haven't done with me makes it okay for them to be sarcastic, rude, icey whereas for me it's not okay?

So when I'm sarcastic, I get yelled at.
When she's sarcastic, you say you miss her.
When I'm being cold, I get repriminded.
When she's being cold, you try and warm her up.
When I go out with guys, I get insulted.
When she goes out with guys, she gets a silent treatment of a few hours, then everything is okay.

And when you're in a bad mood, you ALWAYS take it out on me. ALWAYS.

I feel really... undervalued. And I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of this game
I'm sick of guys
I'm sick of you

Yet I still love you.

I love you so much that it hurts. 

Everytime after a fight, we make up and calm down. You talk to me in a soft voice. You tell me not to cry, you tell me you miss me. You kiss the phone and say that you will still take care of me, but I have to learn to grow up. I laugh and wipe away my tears.

"I can't depend on your forever can i, ne?"

"No. I can't take care of you forever, not even if I was your boyfriend."

I don't want to grow up.
Maybe i'm being childish and stupid and purposely getting you mad at me, because after the screaming and crying, the fighting and shouting, the insults and tears, that's the only time when you ever (now) say that you love me.

And this fragile thread of hope, is what i just keep hanging onto, believing that it is actually true.

"I love you baby"

If only...