An extract

There’s a fine line between love, anger and obsession. Sometimes, it’s all too easy to grow blind to what separates one from another. It’s difficult to be accepting of things you never thought could be possible, yet when the acceptance finally comes, it’s even harder to let go. The shocks, unexpected happenings, unexplainable feelings and obstacles to face are sometimes the most important experiences of all.

Year 2009

Josh’s POV (point of view):

Walking through the school grounds on Friday afternoons was, and always would be a pain in the ass. That was the conclusion Joshua came to the very first time he had endured the mindless torture of trekking through long, dusty, rocky paths littered everywhere with what seemed to be deliberately annoying pieces of litter, in every single variety it came in. yet today was the worst. It was not because school was still in session and there were all these infuriating students walking around, destroying the very meaning of the words, “peace and quiet.”
It was because there was no breeze that existed to offer any kind relief from the constant unbearable heart of a Malaysian summer. Not a single cloud floated in the sky above to offer any shelter, or even any hope for shelter. The very sun beat down upon his back endlessly, unsatisfied that he had not yet been melted down into a puddle of litter.

‘Maybe that’s where all this litter comes from. They were once innocent souls, tortured and murdered by the cruel sun. And now they want to gain revenge through torturing other innocent souls like me.’ Josh laughed at the irony of such a thought.

Hating the way every single desperate breath he took also made him inhale dryness from the surrounding air, he tread on. He hated all of it and yet, there was nothing he could do because he’d been given no choice and by god, he hated that. Grinding his shoes into the floor as he stalked on, passing by a tall, gray building. The colour of dull slate. Flat roof. Large windows. Air-conditioning. His goal and destination, reached at last.

Or perhaps the sun, heat, litter and frustration of the day had finally been too much, and this was his insanity speaking up and telling him to give up through a tempting and vivid hallucination.
‘Oh great, possibly yet another cruel mental trick. This time, I can give myself full permission to swoon and collapse, and the sun can melt me into a puddle of dust for all I care. Okay, now focus. Building right up ahead. Rock-coloured. Tall. Shiny. Possibly with a very nice, godly air-conditioning system inside.’ Joshua gritted his teeth and ventured inside.

The building itself turned out to be mercifully real. Going in, Joshua headed straight for the couches. The lovely beige-coloured couches. As he sank down in them, reveling in the comfort it provided, he once again laughed in irony.

He hated the colour beige.

However, the couches were litter-free and cold, and Joshua was extremely grateful for the sharp contrast to the outdoors the sensations provided. He sprawled over the soft surface. Joshua tipped back his head and closed his eyes.

No point sweating in his suit yet. Forget the dubious looks that he was receiving from the school administrator, standing behind that stupid desk. Forget the fact that he had once again wasted his time into joining this stupid event known as MUN. Forget the fact that there were tiresome, mindless idiots running around outside screaming their heads off. Forget the fact that he had to go stay with his father after today’s events. Joshua quickly quenched the flame of anger that arose in his chest at the very thought of his father. Right now, this couch was cooling, he had spent way too much time outside in the blazing heat for his own good and he was damned if he would be asked to get off this lovely, relaxing, smooth upholstery on the horrendously ugly beige-coloured sofas (not that he minded the colour now that his eyes were closed).

The darkness behind his lids was cool, soothing, the epitome of calm.

He’d be damned if he had to leave this place in the next hour.
“Josh? I know you don’t study here anymore but it would be nice if you could help out directing people to this place.”
Joshua groaned as he recognized the voice.
“Go away Sean, god dammit. Can’t you see that I’ve finally escaped the stupid sun outside and I am now at one with the air-con?”
“Yes, I did see the way you came into school. But instead of questioning the way that you are ‘at one with the air-con’, I will instead convince myself that your mental health is as stable as I last tested it in TSCHMUN and remind you that you came here early to help me sort out some last minute things,” Sean replied calmly.

“I came early, so that I could relax in peace,” growled Joshua. “And say hello to some teachers and friends.”

“The teachers and friends (hello by the way) are outside, where you are supposed to help me direct people to the office in case they have H1N1.”

“Hey, maybe if someone gets H1N1 we can all go home,” Joshua said, using the sarcasm he was famous for. However, after 10 more seconds of resting in peace (god forbid death was not the only escape from the cruel world), he finally found the strength to get up and help.

***

The first time he saw her, there had been no love at first sight. The conviction that he would be the only one allowed in her life (as well as her in his life) from then on, the strong need to possess, to own, to have—no, such unholy feelings could never qualify as love. And as for what came after, the sorrow, the heartbreak, the rage, the pain and endless waiting beside the phone—no, that didn’t really qualify as love either. So maybe he had never loved her at all. And yet, without love, how could there have been heartbreak?

He could still remember, the very first time he met her: another stranger, another person he could easily dissolve in his distant memories after all this was over. That’s what he had thought. Oh how very wrong he was.